✨The Nature of the Higher Self vs. the Ego✨

Today I explored what it was like to descend into my small self. It was like traveling down an elevator from my Higher Self—all the way down to the basement.

The experience of being my small self was like being stuck in a little cage. I felt stuck. Confined by this perceived identity of ‘me’. It felt like being in bondage. Stuck in chains, and not free.

Have you ever felt this when you experienced yourself being triggered?

It’s a state of contraction. As this small self, I felt I didn’t want to be seen by the light. I knew that if I allowed myself to be seen by the light, I would dissolve into the light.

I simply would not be able to exist in the light.

The light of truth—that pierces through everything that is not truth.

As I experienced the bondage of my small self, stuck in ‘little me’, aka my ego, I still was connected by a golden thread of light all the way up to my Higher Self.

Therefore I was not controlled by this limited self, and could still speak from my Higher Self, even when I was being held hostage by ‘me’. I, as my Higher Self, allowed myself to experience what it was like to be contracted and bound as the small self.

This sense of ‘me’ aka the ego—feed’s off separation, defending, reacting, comparing, attacking, pain and misery. It causes itself suffering and agony through it’s belief in separation. It really only wants to feed itself to survive and exist. That’s the only way it can continue to exist—by being fed.

For something to exist that is not essentially true, it must feed itself to exist. Something that is essentially true does not require anything else outside itself to exist. It simply is.

This is the difference in the nature of the ego (small self) and the nature of the soul (higher self).

The ego may feel really real in some moments, and may be able to trick you into temporary bondage of suffering and pain, especially when triggered by others—yet your Higher Self is always free, vast, and one with the Light.

Just because something feels real, doesn’t always mean its truth. Aligning ourselves with our higher perception, with the light of clarity—is a key when inquiring into our True Nature.

The soul lives in the light of God.

The ego lives in the darkness of delusion.

The soul is rooted in peace.

The ego feeds off conflict, pain and suffering.

The soul is pure love.

The ego is obliterated in the presence of pure love—which is the ego’s true Self—Love.

💛🙏🏻💛

As this small contracted self, it wanted to push away the one that was bringing the light of consciousness and presence for it to come up to be seen.

It said, “go away, your hurting me, your making me weak. Leave me alone.” It really wanted to push away the light as embodied by another person’s clear awake consciousness.

Yet, even as my ego in the basement of this dark room in a little cage would have wanted to say go away and stop it—I, as my True Self, spoke from my Higher Self that I was still connected to by this thread of light all the way up into the vastness of Eternal Light and said to this person—please continue to bring light—as I want for my small self to be liberated and resurrected fully into my True Nature, and this must involve my ego dissolving into the light. I welcome the annihilation, no matter how painful it may feel to my small self.

The weaker the small self becomes, the stronger I become integrated fully into my True Nature.

In my experience, being stuck in one’s ego is the closest thing to hell consciousness that I know.

I realized being bound and caged in the basement—that it truly feels real to be this identity as ‘me’ in these rare moments, but it’s not who we are.

As much as the ego masquerades itself as real, all the justifications for staying in a pit of pain, I knew that this is not who I am.

Eventually, when this person in front of me (a strong and clear embodiment of Shiva consciousness) said gently and softly with love that he was here to destroy what was not truth, so that truth could reign—I started to feel a very true and deep love emerge from the center of my innermost being—a true love that goes deeper then any romantic idealisms of love.

It was true love. True love that serves truth, light and reality.

My small self couldn’t even resist this love, because secretly this small self knew all along that it was always one with this truth—it was just pretending to be separate and hold it’s own fixed little identity as ‘me’.

And I realized that this is the love that truly awakens our soul—is the love that liberates and frees us into our Infinite Nature. This love that serves truth, and annihilates one’s ego—in service to a greater truth, is pure love.

As soon as the love rippled through my heart; in this moment of being bound and chained in a cage in the dark basement: I was free.

~ ~ ~

Following the golden thread of light I ascended all the way back up into my Infinite True Nature as my Higher Self, retuning home.

I was home 🌀

In the home of our Higher Self:

We are love. We are peace. We are One with God.

Next time you fall and descend into the cage of your basement (aka your ego), alway remember the golden thread of light that unites you eternally with your Higher Self.

Rooted in your Higher Self, you may experience and feel the small self—yet always remember who is the true Master within.

❤️ Nicole

The Awakening of Kali—My Experience of Sexual Trauma from a ‘Sexual Healer’

I cringe as I start to write this article, and my belly tightens. I feel resistance to write about my experience, nevertheless—I know I must.

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Sometimes in my life, I have felt like I had to go through certain human experiences just for the sake of bringing light to certain shadows existing, giving them voice in order to bring certain artifacts to the light. 

Are you ready to join me on a wild adventure of a life experience I went through last year?

All my life, I very rarely felt anger. My natural disposition is very calm, centered and still. 

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It wasn’t until last summer that Kali screamed her full resurrection within my being, and lit my soul on fire.

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It didn’t happen in a gentle, soft and nurturing way—it happened through self betrayal, giving away my power one last time, and a sexual trauma with a man. All in a short whirlwind of 3 months, with a man whose work in the world is focused on energy orgasms, orgasmic breathing, ‘conscious sexuality’ and tantric awakening. 

I never thought in my life that I would one day be writing about a sexual trauma I experienced from a supposed ‘sexuality expert’, who offers ‘training courses to make you a master of yourself, a yogi in the bedroom, to awaken your inner cosmic bliss’. I feel sick as I read these words. This person’s work is focused on the healing of old wounds and trauma’s, in order to come into ecstatic bliss, through awakening the sexual energy via breathing and energy work. 

A year prior to meeting me in person, we were connected on Facebook. He admitted to me that he loved my photos so much, that he made it the background photo on his phone and laptop, and even asked to use one of my photos for his website. Throughout the next year he would occasionally write me messages and wanted to come visit me in Berlin. 

What I recognize in retrospect is that energetically looking at my photo everyday, and having my energetic essence being transmitted through my photo on his phone and computer was a way of energetically attracting, or subtly pulling me into his life, and hence, I also felt this pull to meet him that I didn’t fully understand at the time. We can call this a form of modern day “law of attraction” at work. Now I can also see the subtle shadow element of the law of attraction, which can also be a form of manipulative energy when we impose our will on attracting someone into our life; as opposed to trusting the alignment of grace and the path of life to reveal itself to us through our heartfelt intentions.

A lesson I learned: Always be aware of why you may feel attracted to someone, and what the underlying energy of the attraction is. 

Had I been more aware of this at that time, perhaps I would have been more strongly vigilant with myself as to why I felt this pull to him. Where does this pull come from? Why are we drawn to certain people? Why did it feel like I almost didn’t have a choice that our lives would eventually intersect? Can we utilize the power of energy and focused intention to create manifestation solely from our will? And what are the consequences of this?

Eventually last year in the spring, he wanted to come to Berlin to visit me. I had some red flags that came up before him coming. Something in me knew he was a “bad boy”. I had always known that, energetically and psychically, yet I ignored my inner forewarning and decided to step into red water. I’ve never been enchanted by ‘bad boys’ nor men easily taken by their sexual impulses, or men who have had many different lovers or partners. Sexuality for me has always been deeply sacred, holy and a powerful alchemy that unites two souls rooted in love. 

So when we came together, I had the opportunity to learn more about him. He grew up with a very dysfunctional family, and had strong childhood woundings. I could feel the pain he was carrying inside him. I could sense a lot of hurt within him, especially when it came to relationships.

One time I asked him if I could experience his work, as I wanted to experience the type of sessions he does with mainly women on “trauma clearing sessions” in conjunction with “energy orgasm”. I was curious and intrigued by his work. Yet, within the first 3 minutes of him working on me, I simply said out loud what came to me psychically as embodied direct knowing—“You’ve been abused.” It was not a question, as I said this matter of factly—direct knowing of truth. 

As he was doing this pain and trauma release session on me, I could feel that his bodywork and energy work was not pure. It was tainted with the abuse he experienced as a child, and he was doing healing sessions with mainly women where he is in the position of evoking much pain within people, in order to release it—yet what I sensed is that something within him was feeding off this pain in those he worked on. Something within him subconsciously liked to be in the role of power.

I felt the essence of a helpless boy that was once powerless and not in control, needing to be in power now as an adult, in order to compensate for the lack of power he experienced as a child. Instead of being a victim of pain, he was now in the role of being the perpetrator of pain in his “clearing and trauma sessions”. I could clearly see the hidden subconscious imprints and forces at play, that fed something in his own pain body to activate other people’s pain bodies.

His healing sessions were not done with love, sensitivity and gentleness—it was the opposite—dominating, forceful and ruthless in many ways. Something really didn’t feel right. It reminded me of all these articles I had read on the “wounded healer” while studying my Master’s degree in Transpersonal Psychology, on people who work as healers who have not resolved and healed their own inner wounds from childhood. 

And as for the “conscious and sacred sexuality” part of this connection, I simply didn’t experience conscious sexuality—the opposite actually. It was a real wake up call for me. A brutal slap in the face, to wake me out of my naivety. 

I had never been with a man that was so focused on just the perceived goal and outcome of ‘orgasm’, as opposed to true communion, union, and pure love. It was the most adolescent and immature version of sexuality I have ever experience with anyone. 

In my life up until this point, I had never experienced any sexual trauma. I had only beautiful, respectful and mature encounters with men where I felt honored. I find it quite ironic that through being with this ‘sexual healer’, I had my first traumatic sexual experience. 

I feel very uncomfortable and vulnerable sharing about my experience, yet I feel strongly summoned to share:

Laying in bed one day, he had his finger inside my yoni and was moving his finger really fast inside me trying to make me orgasm (most likely how he had seen many porn movies in his life), and instead of giving me an orgasm—he actually made me bleed.

There was no orgasm, and only a lot of bright red blood all around my thighs. I was shocked and scared, since I had never bled in any of my previous sexual experiences prior with men. My legs were shaking, I felt like I was in a nightmare and when I told him about the blood I found after from his finger moving so roughly within my body, he said to me: “Either I am doing you really good or really bad.”

I was repulsed by this answer—what does that exactly mean? How can you not know whether you are serving someone’s well being or hurting their well being? What form of ignorance is this?

This happened one more time a week later. On this occasion when it happened again, and there was some blood on the bedsheets he simply said to me: “Can you clean the bed sheets?”. There was no remorse, sadness or empathy.

I could only realize in retrospect that he wasn’t able to feel compassion, empathy or caring simply because he was not connected to his heart. If you are connected to your heart, and feel your heart in every moment, you feel other people as well—and it’s only when you are not connected to your own heart that you can cause harm to others. And I would also say, that when we are not connected to our own body, that is when we can hurt other people’s bodies.

One of the most natural things to do when working with another person’s body is to gently attune ourselves to that body—feeling into it, what does it need, what is it saying—this practice of attunement requires presence, sensitivity and a natural capacity to feel another within yourself.

I started to feel that something was really off in this connection and was not healthy. I also had never had the experience of being with a man that was so insecure, needy, reactive and created drama. It was a learning experience for me, to see the ways that adults who experienced deep childhood woundings get locked into old patterns and distortions when one is not willing to do their inner healing work. Very quickly, I knew I didn’t want to be in connection with him and was able to see clearly that he was not embodying his work that he was teaching in the world. Teaching courses on sacred and conscious sexuality, while not at all embodying and living this.

Doing 'trauma healing sessions', and at the same time causing me my first sexual traumatic experience? How can someone who heals trauma’s, also be someone who creates traumas? 

On this person’s website he says, “I'm here to help you speedup your awakening and transformation process. From healing deep traumas, letting go of pain towards experiencing the most beautiful blissful states.” His website also talks about awakening the heart and feeling love. The truth is that, what he is teaching the world is exactly what he most needs to embody himself. This is often the case for many practitioners and teachers.

When I told him I needed to have some space to align with my inner truth and wasn’t sure if this connection with him was what I wanted, he was not able to honor this request for space. Instead he would write me a message saying, “Nicole, I can’t be in this in-between space, and I just want to be with someone—and I am a man and I have lust.” When I asked him what he meant by the last part, of being a man and having lust, he then said: “Nicole, don’t waste your time on little things—your much bigger then that.” If that’s not classic manipulation, I don’t know what is.

Telling a woman that your a man and have lust, as a way to make her insecure that she will lose you to another woman—is one of the most distasteful statements I have ever heard from any man in my life. He also wrote, “Nicole, I invite you to claim me if you want.” The truth was that I would never claim and choose to be with a man that subconsciously tries to make me feel insecure that I would lose him to another women through his masculine lust and sexual desire. It's a sick form of manipulation.

A few days later I was in my studio with a friend. I asked her if she could hold space for me to process these fiery energies moving through my being. I put on some music, and I got on my knees, felt the fire within myself, and started to scream. I allowed myself to feel this pure rage and anger that was ignited within my soul, of having allowed myself to be with a man that was completely in a different sphere of consciousness—and as a result of this, I experienced a trauma to my body. I was angry with myself! Actually, to use the word angry would be diminishing the totality of this wave of energy moving through me—not just angry—BURNING in the deepest fire my soul had ever experienced. Pure raw primal rage awoke like a wildfire within my soul.

A man, that wasn’t a man—but was only a hurt little boy. A man that was not rooted in his heart at all, and had the tenacity to use his masculine lust as a threat to try and make me feel insecure that I would lose him to another woman if I didn’t make up my mind quickly—as opposed to honoring my request for space.

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I felt the strongest rage and anger burn through my entire body, for having betrayed myself by not listening to my inner knowing at the beginning. I felt the deepest rage for the state of this planet and how traumatized, hurt and wounded many people are that we don’t grow into initiated adulthood as a species and instead remain lost in childhood woundings that then perpetrate more hurt, pain and trauma onto other people. Traumatized people are usually the ones who cause trauma onto others, when they lack the awareness of their inner wounds.How can we as a species come into wholesomeness and healthiness if trauma continues to be perpetrated like a disease running rampant in society?

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For the first time in my life, I felt the true power of anger being unleashed within my cells. The anger and the rage that snaps one awake from the temporary disillusionment’s. A bitch slap from Kali, to wake the fuck up and see reality clearly. To stop giving away my power to those who position themselves in authority, and thinking that anyone outside myself knows more then me simply because they are older, more experienced or proclaimed “teachers”.

This experience allowed for me to reclaim my power, and burned me into the fires of the crucible of my soul. There would be no more compromising after this experience. There would be no more self betrayal after this experience. For the first time in my life, I didn’t just say I felt anger quietly—I felt the full embodied experience of scorching holy fire of anger burning to the brim within my soul.

KALI HAD COME ALIVE WITHIN ME.

KALI HAD AWAKENED WITHIN ME.

KALI HAD BEEN IGNITED.

And she was here to stay.

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As I kneeled on the floor, screaming, giving expression to this burning anger and rage scorching through me—I let out all the rage and ocean waves of deep primal anger flowing through me and a powerful invocation was awakened within me.

I started to scream from this tremendous power that had awakened within me at the top of my lungs from the deepest part of my innermost being:

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WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE ARE THE TRUE MEN ON THIS EARTH? WHERE ARE THE INITIATED WARRIORS OF LOVE AND TRUTH, WHO ARE ON THIS EARTH TO SERVE AND PROTECT THE FEMININE, AND NOT DESTROY LIFE. WHERE ARE THE TRUE INITIATED MEN, AND NOT JUST THE ALL PREVALENT ADOLESCENT BOYS THAT ARE DISGUISED AS MEN IN OUR MODERN WORLD. WHERE ARE YOU?

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The deepest longing for true men was sparked alive within me. A man, and not a boy. A man, instead of wounded boys masquerading themselves as men.

And guess what? Through the power of invocation they came into my life this year. Initiated men. My next article will be about my experiences with the true Divine Masculine expression, presence and consciousness that has graced my life this year. 

What is this destructive energy within the masculine that hurts, destroys and violates?

In my experience, it is the disconnection to the heart center. One can only hurt, destroy and violate another when they are disconnected from the love of their own heart.

This sexual trauma from this ‘sexual healer’ that teaches internationally workshops on sacred sexuality, conscious relationships and energetic orgasms has been the most destructive experience I have had happen to my body. For such a long time, I felt tremendous anger at myself for not seeing clearly sooner, and thinking that this man somehow knew something more about sexuality then I did, simply because it was his profession. 

The learning: Don’t assume that teachers have it all together. Don’t give away your power and authority to anyone. Use clear discernment when navigating this path, and make sure to inquire and question why one does the work they do in the world? What is it that motivates them to do healing sessions on others? 

It has taken me a while to come into a state of full compassion to this person—after experiencing a lack of awareness, consciousness, heart centeredness, presence, and attunement from this man—that resulted in my yoni bleeding red blood down my thighs. Yet, what has been much more difficult then forgiving him has been forgiving myself. In actuality, I was never angry or blaming him for this trauma I experienced—I was fully angry at myself for being so naive and allowing myself to be with such a person. All my life, I have never felt like a victim. In this experience of sexual trauma, I also do not feel like a victim. 

In the higher wisdom, I see that my Higher Self chose this experience to wake up my soul. It had to be such an extreme experience to wake me up—to ignite my soul, fire and power. 

So often in our society and especially within the field of contemporary spirituality, we have been conditioned to think that anger is somehow a “negative” emotion and we should not feel angry about anything. This is the greatest suppressor of our times. Anger is connected to our essential power and strength, and this is the exact reason that sacred activism hasn’t fully been ignited yet within all spiritual warriors on this Earth.

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When your anger is awakened, your power is unleashed and you can no longer be asleep in a daze of disillusionments. Fierce awake anger cuts through all the lies and is a catalyst for transformation.

This type of anger that I am writing about, has nothing to do with the mental mind. This form of anger I am giving expression and reverence to is holy sacred medicine of rage—and it comes from the awakened soul.

The awakened soul within all of us, that declares: I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! NO MORE! NO MORE COMPROMISING! NO MORE HURTING MYSELF THROUGH MY OWN IGNORANCE AND DISILLUSIONMENT! ENOUGH PAIN! It does not come from ego, but from the voice of the soul!

The light of truth pierces through all darkness of ignorance. Clarity is a sword of light. 

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My soul would say to this person: 

I know you didn’t purposely try to hurt me. I know you simply didn’t know what you are doing. I know you have been conditioned from watching porn from a young age that makes you think that my body must respond like all the other women you have seen orgasming in videos—but I need to remind you that my body is innocent. My body is the temple of my soul. All women’s bodies are sacred temples—not sexualized objects. You should only place your finger inside a women’s yoni with the highest degree of respect, honor, love and reverence. Who do you think you are to be rough and aggressive trying to force a body to do something that it’s not ready to do? You must learn to listen to a women’s body and hear the voice of the yoni—instead of operating from the patriarchal conditioning within you that instructs you to dominate and use force and power over attuning yourself to softness, gentleness and tenderness. 

True love, intimacy and connection comes from the heart. This is essential. Whether a woman has an orgasm, or doesn’t have an orgasm, means absolutely nothing compared to true connection which has its roots in one’s own connection to one’s inner most being. Being only focused on the orgasm, is the most superficial construct. You need to go deeper within your being, and heal the wounds of your heart—in order to initiate yourself into true manhood. And a true man would never violate a women’s body with a lack of presence and love, a true man knows how to serve a women from his soul and only honors, loves and protects a women—a true man would never make a women’s yoni bleed from his own egoic desire to see her orgasm for his own pleasure and self esteem.  This is the difference between adolescent boys and true initiated men.

What has supported my healing process has been focusing and recounting all the times in my life that I have had sacred, honoring and beautiful sexual experiences with men. 99% of all my previous sexual experiences were healthy—with this being the only traumatic sexual experience to date. I feel grateful for this, knowing and realizing how much my body, heart, soul and yoni has been honored by men that embodied a mature and healthy sexuality; has been a true blessing.

It’s taken me 1.5 year to write about this experience. I felt that I had to write about my experience and share it, in order to bring light to this subject. 

Not everyone in the healing, spirituality and sexuality field has done their inner work, and not everyone should be working on other people. Be diligent, use fierce discernment and never think that proposed experts in a field know more then you do. Be your own self authority, and listen to voice of knowing within (self gnosis). 

And always remember, anger is connected to your essential strength and power. We all have different life initiations that awaken us in different ways, and this was my fierce initiation into the Power of Kali and Awakened Rage. 

May you receive whatever it is that is needed from this sharing, and may this article serve as an expression of truth, liberation of light, healing, and reminder in whatever way its meant to serve your soul—and the truth already existing within you.

In honor and service to truth,

♡ One with Kali ♡

Nicole 

Reclaiming Natural Beauty, Body Hair, & Women's Radical Deconditioning

Liberating Ourselves from the Chains of Conditioned Beauty

Today on my first day here in the wilderness of Norway, my soul sister Ingrid and I went for a walk deep into the forest where we sat by a waterfall and flowing river. As we sat there we talked about what it means for us to be natural and the longing for wild beauty, in a world that is filled with heavily ingrained conditionings around the female body and the constructs of beauty. There is so much plastic in the world, and there is a deep hunger in my soul for the real. Both of us, haven’t shaved our legs and underarms the past few years and it’s been an important process for us to come back to what is natural and beautiful.

Burning through societal conditionings that instruct us women that only by shaving can we be deemed ‘beautiful’, ‘feminine’ and ‘desirable’. For some reason, on this Earth at this time, in our Western culture it’s considered taboo for women to have hair on their legs and under their arms. It’s often considered ‘manly’, ‘ugly’, ‘dirty’ and ‘repulsive’ — so many negative connotations intertwined with female body hair in our 21st century society. 

And I never could understand why? 

I’ve always loved my body and my hair. 

The Liberating Light of Self Truth vs. External Acceptance, Approval and Conformity

Yes, I did grow up and shave my legs and underarms — because I saw all other girls and women doing this. It seemed that once we became teenagers, that this is something we all did as we became ‘women’ and was just considered normal. You buy a razor and shave the hair off your body. Then there came a point in my early 20s, that I started to truly align with my soul and Being, coming into full authenticity and self integrity. I started to inquire and question why I was shaving my hair off my body? Was I doing it because I enjoyed doing it? Did I shave because I truly wanted to? I probed myself to go deeper into the reason I was shaving and what I discovered was that I was shaving because I was afraid of what other people would think if I didn’t. I had become a slave to external approval and validation. It seemed almost unacceptable to not shave, as almost 99% of women I met did shave. 

How obedient are you to the societal norms of feminine beauty?

I felt this strong matrix of a societal program and deeply rooted conditioning within my psyche that automatically assumes that in order to be ‘feminine’ we as women must shave and be hairless to be beautiful, sexy, and clean. 

I, myself, didn’t have a problem with my body hair. I love and accept all parts of my body. Once I went deeper into my Being, I recognized that it wasn’t in my full truth and authenticity to shave my hair anymore. It just didn’t feel natural, it felt very contrived. And shaving just for the sake of conformity and fitting in, was definitely not a good enough reason to continue this aesthetic ritual. Once we connect to our truth, it becomes very difficult to do things that go against one’s inherent truth. And the most painful thing we can do is self betrayal.

So in order to embody my truth, I stopped shaving and under went a process of radical “decondioning” the past 5 years, and burning through this ingrained psychological program and matrix within myself. I couldn’t believe how strong and deeply rooted it was in the recesses of my psyche, with being incarnate in a woman’s body at this time on this Earth.

As I underwent this radical deconditioning process, I came up against strong emotions such as fear and shame. The fear of what other people would think about me when they saw my leg hair, or feeling others judgements on my hair just by their glances and looks (it also doesn't help when you are extremely sensitive, psychic and telepathic). The fear of being judged was so strong, and this deeply ingrained ‘shame conditioning for having body hair’ was being burned through facing all emotions that would arise, and tenderly and courageously being willing to feel it all. I would allow my self to feel the shame fully, and to burn through it. Over and over again. Burning in the alchemical fires of transformation, until the liberated woman within me could emerge fully. I burned through the discomfort that came with consistently feeling the fear, as the force of truth within me propelled me to be true to myself fiercely.

I even experienced the desire to hide my legs when out in public, and a fear to be visible in light of a society that labels female body hair as ugly and dirty. I realized that the only time in my entire life that I have ever felt shame, was in conjunction with allowing my body hair to remain on my body. There's been no other time in my life that I have experienced shame. This shame was rooted in this patriarchal conditioning rooted so deeply that women are not allowed to be beautiful naturally, and can only be deemed feminine when hairless. When in truth, femininity and real feminine essence has absolutely nothing to do with one's physical external appearance. It's such a deep lie, and it's such a strong controlling mechanism that locks women into smallness, insecurity and subservience. It's a form of encagement (one, among many). 

I would not allow myself to be encaged in anyway, by being a slave to society's program around feminine beauty.  I was taking back my sovereignty and power, by aligning with the truth radiating within my soul—that my body hair is beautiful, sacred and pure just as it is.

It’s truly amazing how taboo it is to be a woman and have leg and underarm hair! You wouldn’t imagine how many people have looked at our legs feeling uncomfortable, or looked with disdain as if its inappropriate to allow our body to be just as it is.  It amazes me how deeply we as humans can be so judgmental and critical of something so natural. Imagine if everyone shaved their head in society, and those who chose to grow their hair were looked at with judgement because they didn’t choose to follow the norm and conform. For me, hair on my legs is no different then hair on my head. It’s just a matter of personal preference, and I feel its so important to honor each of our own unique individual preferences instead of passively and unconsciously confirming to societal norms and conventions.

Anytime I do meet a sister that chooses to allow her hair to grow on her body, I always honor and respect her Being so deeply, knowing just how much courage, authenticity, and strength it takes to go against the conventional norm — having gone through this radical deconditioning process myself, and faced many judgments, critiques and disapproving looks. It takes true solid strength to be rooted in your truth and for all your actions to align with the congruency within.

And for those women and my sisters who do enjoy shaving and love doing it, I honor this as well. There is no right or wrong, just what feels good and alive for each of us! 

We must not be afraid to question and inquire into all are actions, no matter how minute they may be, to see why it is we do what we do. To bring light and consciousness to all parts of our Being, and to truly see where are actions stem from. 

And for myself, I feel more like a woman (rather then a girl) when I do have hair on my body. I feel a sense of strength, rootedness and Earthiness. I feel wild, natural, untamed and undomesticated. I feel free. I feel wildly beautiful in the perfection of my intrinsic Being. I don’t feel the need to alter my physical body in anyway. I truly love, cherish and treasure my body just as it is, as Life made me.

Roger Friedland writes in his brilliant article "Looking Through the Bushes: The Disappearance of Pubic Hair":

“Its disappearance tells us something about womanhood, the state of love, the human and the relation of body and soul. Pubic practices are rites by which we construct who we know ourselves to be. What are they telling us?

A hairless vagina is symbolically unhinged not only from reproductive possibility, but from spiritual union, from knowing. The vagina is our template for the ultimate sacred space, a holy of holies where no one else can enter: unseeable, unsayable, the template of pleasure by which the pains of this worldly existence are to be measured. In Hebrew, to engage in sexual intercourse literally means ‘to know.’ This is not just a euphemism. The connection between erotic desire and knowledge is lodged both in our origin story in the Garden of Eden, and written into the word philosophy—philo, loving, sophia, knowledge or wisdom—a loving of knowledge. That loving is grounded in erotics. A woman’s pubic hair veils the passage, marking the sacrality of that space of knowing. Shaving it away stamps it as a mere organ, a passage where anyone can linger pleasantly, where something is done, not somebody known. Pubelessness is an affirmation of the pure body and a negation of corporeal soul, separating the center of one’s flesh from birth and from knowing.

For me, a pubic hairless vagina, looks more like a little girl than a woman. The implications are far-reaching and frankly, to me, a little scary. Apparently bush removal has now become a “rites of passage” ritual that young adolescent girls embrace and there are many young men today, who have never seen pubic hair on woman."

I encourage us to all feel into the deepest resonance within, and to appreciate and love our physical forms— totally, completely and unapologetically no matter what shape it takes. 

Love the wild nature within. Love the wild woman.

Love the true essence of raw beauty. 

To be natural is to be holy, and the hair that grows on your beautiful legs, under your arms, and in between your legs is just as sacred, clean, and beautiful as the hair that grows on your head. 

If we lived in a world where there was no stigmatization of female body hair, a question to ask oneself would be: would I still choose to shave my hair off my body as often as I do If external approval and acceptance was obsolete?

I appreciate women in my life that also trail blaze and live their authentic truth, going against the conventional standards of female beauty and are lights in the world reminding us of the power of freeing ourselves from the ‘should’s’ into full freedom, truth and embodied love and acceptance for who we are, just as we are. It takes strength, courage and tenacity to be natural in today’s overly polished world. I now know from my own experience, that a woman who chooses not to shave in this modern society is truly a woman that has deep strength and courage to be true to herself, and live whats natural to her own Being and heart. True confidence, resilience and sovereignty. Whether we choose to shave our bodies or not, may we all be true to ourselves and love ourselves exactly as we are in whatever form and shape that may take — shaving or not shaving. Only doing what feels true for us, and having the courage and conviction to stand in our truth and own it.

This is the radical invitation of Authentic em-Bodied Womanhood.

I write this article for the sake of bringing light and consciousness to this topic, to spark a deeper inquiry for reflection:

-Does it feel natural to shave my legs and armpits?

-Do I really enjoy shaving?

-How does my body feel about having my hair shaved?

-What is my core rooted belief as to why I should shave?

-Am I doing this to fit in and meet societal standards of beauty, or am I doing it truly because it feels natural to me?

-If we lived in a world where there was no stigmatization of female body hair, would I still keep shaving?

-Who am I shaving for?

-What is my heart and soul truth?

-How do I feel when I see a woman who doesn’t shave? What thoughts, beliefs and assumptions arise within me?

May we all engage in the deep inquiry of our inherent motivations of why we do what we do, even when its considered normal. And let’s not forget, that just because something is deemed normal, doesn’t make it always right. There is no right or wrong, only what feels natural for you. Live free. Be free. Love yourself, and honor your true authenticity. ♡

Below is a photo I took in Hawaii of my legs 2 years ago, on a day I decided to shave. Both legs are beautiful, with and without hair 😉

With deep love and radical truth,

Nicole ▼

A Message to the Divine Masculine: Where are you?

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A call from my heart to all my brothers in the world that are warriors of truth, love and embodying the Divine Masculine.

This past year I have been passionately called to embody, awaken, remember and anchor the Divine Feminine. 

The medium through which I have done this sacred work is through the Women Circle’s, Workshops and Retreats. 

After working with hundreds of incredible women around the world the past year, I started to feel that something is missing. 

Something hasn’t felt in balance.

Where are the men in my generation that embody the Divine Masculine?

Where are the men that are the 21st century Templars…the modern day Warrior Monks rooted in their heart—in service to Love, honoring of the Divine Feminine and here to protect the Earth, women and all of Life? 

Where are you? I miss you. I really miss you. <3

I know you must be here on this Earth. We didn’t come back for us to do this work alone.

For every Priestess and holy embodiment of the Goddess on this earth, there must be a Divine Masculine counterpart. 

Where are you?

As much as there is a Divine Feminine rising on this Earth right now, we need the DIVINE MASCULINE to RISE again with us.

We don’t live necessarily in a masculine world—we live in a distorted patriarchal world that is not the true HEALTHY MASCULINE.

Patriarchy is NOT the Divine Masculine. Let us never forget this distinction. 

In my heart, I feel such a deep longing for the knights, warriors and brothers of Light that are true Kings and protectors of Life.

Fully initiated men—not just adolescent boys. Men who have been cracked open to life, and are rooted in their HEART, SOUL and GOD.

We need you. The Divine Feminine can’t do it alone. And she doesn’t want to. She desires you to rise from the slumber and awaken to your full power…

to remember why you are here and who you are.

As I travelled on a sacred pilgrimage in September which led me to the South of France in the area that was known for the Templars (warrior monks), knights and the Holy Grail….I’ve had these moments of deep remembrance of men who shined with the true light and embodiment of the Divine Masculine. Deep soul remembrance of what is possible. And I start to feel this ache and longing in my heart and entire being for these expressions of the Masculine. It’s so needed again on this Earth. 

It’s not just women who have been burned and killed for being who they were throughout history; its also happened to our brothers. King Philip IV of France heard rumors about the Templars secret initiation ceremony’s that created distrust…and in 1307 many of the Templar’s were arrested, tortured into giving false confessions (much like the witch burnings) and then burned at the stake. 

And many of us, have experienced being both genders throughout different lifetimes and incarnations.  

Those of us that are Light bearers on this Earth have often come up against violent opposition in the course of human history on Earth.

This is an invocation for all of us to remember who we are, and I am calling out to all the Warriors of Truth, Love and Light…be here with us again.

YOUR FIERCENESS IS NEEDED. It’s medicine for the Earth. 

Your strength is needed.

Your power is needed. 

Your embodied divinity is needed.

Your emanation of true heart light and pure love is needed. 

My soul brothers with courageous hearts, shining flames of Divinity and pillars of strength…rise…rise with us. 

I bow to all my brothers who are stepping up and rising on this planet, the ones I know and the ones I am yet to meet.

Thank you—we love you.

Nicole

Sexuality, Relationships, the Solar Feminine Revival and Enlightenment of Women

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Recently, I have been resurrected back into my deepest truth, knowing and clarity—after a period of temporary immersion in illusions, romantic relationships, and self betrayal.

I was inspired to write this article after listening to a brilliant talk by an enlightened teacher whose mission on Earth was focused on the enlightenment of women, and was an advocate of the power of woman specifically. He taught and cultivated in his female students, the Solar Feminine:

"The solar feminine embodies yang energy, strength, passion, creativity, and action—qualities that have not been appreciated in females since the Matrilineal Era of some 6,000 years ago. The solar feminine is quite different from the lunar feminine, whose yin energy is gentle, receptive, and nurturing…the only type of femininity that has been acceptable throughout the Patriarchal Age. A woman's essence is power.

In the seventeen years I studied with him, my teacher's number one priority was the empowerment of his women students. During the eighties, he lectured on the topic nonstop. He said, "When an enlightened being finds himself in the physical world, in a specific time and place, he looks around and asks, 'What is the greatest need?' When I asked myself that question, the answer is obvious: the enlightenment of women. My teacher worked tirelessly throughout his teaching career for the enlightenment of women. He spent an enormous amount of time with his female students, coaching them on all aspects of their lives, everything from how to dress in order to empower themselves, to how to break through the glass ceiling in their careers. Not a single detail was left to chance. He was determined to help them take back their power.

Many years later, Celeste and others would refer to this brand of woman—the embodiment of strength, passion, creativity, and action—as the solar feminine. While many courageous women have bucked their patriarchal conditioning in the lunar feminine—pure yin energy which is gentle, receptive, and nurturing—to express the solar feminine in all walks of life, it has been all but lost as a spiritual archetype. One must go back to Kali, the Hindu Goddess of destruction, Pele, the Hawaiian fire Goddess, or Sekmet, the Egyptian Lioness Goddess, to find its remnants. 

On the deepest level there is no difference between men and women. Each individual has a soul. Each individual contains Spirit within itself. The soul is neither masculine nor feminine. It is both. Yet in a particular lifetime, we manifest as one or the other gender."

- Lucia Rene, Unplugging the Patriarchy - A Mystical Journey into the Heart of a New Age

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After listening to Dr. Frederike Lenz's discourse on this topic, something was sparked alive within me. The remembrance and knowing that in this incarnation on Earth, I have come to embody this archetype strongly—since it's what's truly needed on this Earth at this time. It's so fiercely needed for women to awaken to the solar feminine flame at the center of their being. After all, it's exactly this fire and power that has been collectively contrained within women from the patriarchial age. There are such strong energetic conditionings within the collective feminine psyche that keep women from being in their full power. And one of the main ways that women lose their power, is through sexual relationships with men:

“The damage of the subtle physical body of a woman happen’s in different ways. Most of it is sexual. Most women lose their power in sexual relationships by being exposed to the lower sexual energies of men. Sexuality is not good nor bad, and depends on how you approach it. The unrefined masculine energy enters easily into a woman. Particularly during sex and during a sexual relationship. Women in relationships afix themselves more readily, very easily then men. When a woman is in love with a man, she thinks of him very often. And when she does psychically, she fixes herself to his consciousness. And whatever is in his consciousness will enter into her consciousness. And if there is destructive forces in a man’s consciousness, she then draws them into herself by attaching herself to a man that’s not highly developed; that still hasn’t worked those things out. They then come into her being, and while it may not destroy his spiritual potential, it has the possibility to destroy her spiritual potential. You can look at a woman and quickly ascertain how many relationships she has had and what they have been like by simply looking at her subtle physical body. 

If your a woman and you are interested in enlightenment then its necessary to detach yourself from men until you become much stronger. This doesn’t mean you have to give up relationships and not be married, you can, but its just tricky. It’s important to not become emotionally wrapped up in a man. 

Both women and men are powerful, but the strength of a man’s character is expressed through gentleness and through love, and ultimately through discrimination. It’s important for men to work on humility. For women, it’s Self Confidence. Its important for women to realize that power is your aspect, to be supportive of other women in their quest for liberation and for some time in a women’s life to step back from relationships. In your life you have gained your identity from the men in your life…because if men only see you in a certain way, they will fixate you. It’s like looking in a mirror and believing what you see…thinking that’s what you look like but with if the mirror is projecting an image and its really not you…so for most women when they look in the eyes of both men and women, and the image that is projected back, that a woman is psychically told to conform to is not really what she is…so its necessary to step back and be around women that are more supportive, or men who are supportive or enlightened persons…to discover what it means to be a woman…It’s not easy to know what it means to be a woman. You have to be commanding and assume your power. You need to avoid dressing that will attract lower sexual energy from men. We have to deal with the objective reality. 

It’s important to be celibate for a while on the path of enlightenment…eventually returning to relationships or sexuality, yet with a sufficient detachment. And it won’t be sex anymore when you are together…it will be a giving, a pure self effacement, a pure transfer of energy…there won’t be any desire, no physical satisfaction and no personal self…won’t be harmful and your emotions won’t be wrapped up. Every action will be service and self giving. 

Remember that we have tremendous power in our being and we can bring that into eternity. Harmonize yourself with eternity. Remember we are not a man or woman, we are both. Enter into the timeless, eternal life and light. Eternity teach me what it means to be a woman. Eventually you will become everything and nothing.”

-Dr. Frederike Lenz, Women - Men and Self Realization

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This talk by Dr. Frederike Lenz on Women - Men and Self Realization, really spoke to the truth within my own being. Women’s subtle physical body is pliable with light, and there are some relationships that can drain one’s energy and life force. I know, because I have been in such relationships that drained my energy; and I allowed that to happen. Not only did certain relationships with men drain my energy, but it also was a decent from living in the full embodiment of my Higher Self.

Introduction: My Story

After a 7 year period of experiencing a few relationships with men, I was fiercely awakened from my disillusionment last year. The intelligence and wisdom of Life came smashing into me, and my soul was screaming in rage after awakening from the dream I had allowed myself to fall into.

Between the ages of 14-19 years old, as a teenager, I was crystal clear. During this time period, I had a very strong intact connection to my Higher Self. I always knew what I had to do, and never experienced confusion, doubt or hesitation. Clarity dwelled and breathed in my Being. I knew myself. I never doubted myself. I trusted myself. And I was strongly anchored in my truth. 

So you may ask, what happened the past 7 years? My soul decided to go on a wild journey of discovery. A journey into the realms of relationships and men. The games, maya and illusions of human relations and “love”. My soul said it was time to experience this humanness in all its facets. Little did I know, how challenged I would be to stay true to myself and deeply embodied as my Higher Self.

The years of high school

Here’s the ironic thing—I always knew clearly and strongly from the time I was 14 years old, that it was not in my highest service to have a boyfriend at a young age. My Higher Self told me that in order for me to grow into the woman I need to become in this lifetime, that I must not have a relationship with a boy during my teenage years. I strongly knew, from my Higher Self, that if I were to have a boyfriend in my teenage years it would take me off track. It would disempower me. I knew that I had to focus all my power, energy and focus on becoming the whole woman I needed to become in this incarnation, without being affected by a boy.

As a 14 year old in my first year of high school, I looked around at my peers who were dating, going on dates, having boyfriends and experimenting with sexual experiences. I observed something that most my age didn’t recognize, and that was how many girls who had boyfriends lost themselves in relationships. Instead of fully and pristinely growing into their own unique Self, untainted by any relationship or guy, they lost themselves in guys…in how they were perceived by those they were attracted to, and in changing who they were to be with guys. At this age, I witnessed this as a form of self betrayal. And I promised myself that I would never be like these girls. I promised myself that I would never betray myself. 

How I now feel touched by my own innocent naivety. How strong, clear and centered I thought I was and could be…that I never could have imagined the maya, illusions and games of the world that were to come. My Higher Self says in this moment, “Honey, you were always strong, and yet, being on this Earth has been part of your initiations in remembering who you are. And in these initiations, they have been portals to awaken from the dream and come back to Reality. Often through severe self betrayal, which have been powerful awakenings.”

There was a strong inner knowing and voice within me, that knew that my natural maturation and soul embodiment process would be disrupted by being in a relationship. I knew that this process of becoming was one that needed to be held in a sacred container of aloneness. I sensed that like a monarch butterfly that dwells in the cocoon for some time, that I, like a butterfly needed to be alone in a cocoon of “singleness" in order to become the monarch butterfly I felt dwelling dormant within. It is incredible as I reflect back, how strong and clear this knowing was—that having a relationship as a teenager would impede the process of me becoming a powerful woman. I simply knew this inner truth, through direct gnosis. 

Life would also support me in this chrysalis. I never met a guy that interested me while I was in high school. I had many guys that were attracted to me, but none that I was attracted to. This also had to do with my young body and ancient soul only interested in a soul connection, and most guys my age were only interested in my physical beauty. I knew they could not “see” me.  They only could see as deep as they were in themselves. 

Throughout high school, I never had a boyfriend and didn’t desire one. I was one of the only girls I knew in my school, that didn't have a boyfriend. I simply didn't need one. My Higher Self was guiding me strongly, and I focused all my time and energy on my studies, playing basketball competitively, doing yoga, meditation and time by myself in contemplation reading books on spirituality, and cultivating my Being. This protective energetic space I created for myself consciously was the fertile growing of the seeds of the woman I was to become in this lifetime. 

When my friends were going to parties on the weekend and experimenting with alcohol, I chose to stay at home with my family and read, write and meditate. It didn’t interest me how most people my age lived in high school. I had no natural inclination to go to a party, to taste alcohol or do drugs. I always felt this intrinsic purity within, and knew that I was not going to ruin my body with alcohol and drugs.

I knew from a young age, that my body is holy and is the temple of my soul. Why would I destroy my body temple with alcohol and drugs? How could others my age do that? Why would anyone drink something that doesn’t nourish their Being? Why would anyone want to get drunk? How could being deluded and drunk truly make you more happy? I saw through all these illusions and games, and knew that they were only escape mechanisms. They were running from reality. They were not connected to their Higher Self in the same way I was consciously being guided by something greater then myself: Which I have always called, my "Higher Self”. 

When other friends were embarrassed they didn’t have a boyfriend, I felt proud that I didn’t need a boyfriend in my life to complete me, since I felt whole within myself. I knew that everything I needed was already within me, and I lacked nothing. I was never lonely, even with always being single. I felt complete in myself. I often felt like an old woman, even when I was 14 years old. When friends were looking for a date for a school dance or prom, I fiercely and consciously chose to go by myself without a guy at my side. I appreciated my independence and sovereignty.

I remember feeling this sense of power of being All One in myself, and not lacking or needing somebody. I think because I saw so many girls my age feel insecure about being single, that something also within me rebelled against this conditioning. I chose what was true for me, instead of ever being conditioned to feel a certain way. It was like the normal realms of the paradigm I was placed in, didn’t have the power to control and subjugate me. The power of my soul, was stronger and clearer then the external world influence I felt. I knew that in order for me to deeply embody this true self integrity and strong rootedness in my soul, a boyfriend would not be conductive to this at this time. 

The Transition From girl to woman

Another recollection that arises as I write, is the remembrance in high school of hearing girls call themselves "women". I remember seeing and knowing, that I was not a woman yet, and these girls who called themselves women were not yet fully embodying what it means to be a woman. When someone called me a woman, I would simply detest and say "I am not a woman, I am a girl". It didn't feel true in my being to call myself a woman, when at the age of 14-18 years old I still felt like a girl. I knew I was just a girl, and didn't resonate with the word "woman" at this time. It felt like a lie to say I was a woman, when I knew I was still a girl.

Somewhere in the depth and recesses of my soul and being I knew that the process of becoming a true woman is not something that just happens in adolescence. It's an initiatory process of coming into womanhood. We no longer have sacred initiations, rituals and rites of passage that mark this transition into womanhood as we once did in ancient times. Even in the years of being in university, I still didn't feel like a woman and knew I was still a girl. I would often inquire and contemplate, when would I be able to say I was truly a woman and no longer a girl? 

It wasn't until I was 26 years old and had the guidance to step out and facilitate Sacred Women Circle's that I knew I reached the passage of womanhood, through going through a very arduous initiation (in which one day I will write about). I knew clearly and strongly, that I was no longer a girl and was embodying womanhood. I felt this ripening within my being, and this blossoming into initiated womanhood. I often spoke about what true authentic womanhood means in these circle's, and the difference between being an adolescent girl (where most of the population remains even throughout adulthood), and being able to say you are a woman.  

Living in Europe: The year of freedom and youthfulness 

Overall, I have never had a boyfriend or relationship while I have lived in Canada. Never. It wasn’t until I was 20 years old, living in Europe for the first time, and enjoying some aspect of being youthful, that I met someone that I was attracted to. By this time, I knew my period of cocooning in aloneness and True Self Emergence and Solidification was complete in some way—at least the most critical period for me fully becoming who I was supposed to be. They say the first 5 years of a child’s life is the most critical in their development, and I would say that the years of being a teenager and coming into adulthood are essential for the full blossoming of a Soul Embodied Human Being.

I am deeply grateful for the guidance and direct knowing from the connection of my Higher Self, that strongly told me to abstain from any relationship during these pivotal years of development. I also see in retrospect, how being single up until the age of 20 years old was one of the most crucial and essential preparations for the woman I was becoming, and am still in the process of becoming. It truly allowed for me to anchor deeply into my full Essential Being and Soul Embodiment, without having any attachments to distract this sacred alchemical inner process of maturation. 

The experience of my first boyfriend and self betrayal

Now it was time for the games of love, men, boyfriends and relationships to take me by the feet. It started when I was 20 years old in Germany for the first time, the only year of my life that I ever felt like a young person. It was the only year of my life that my Higher Self told me to enjoy being young, experiment and play, because I had a very strong mission I would need to do in the future and this was the year to enjoy being “young”. I had my first boyfriend, who I was strongly physically attracted to and felt a natural connection with. He was very classy, had a European flair, dressed well, well groomed and came from a family where everyone was either judges or lawyers.

I was attracted to him and loved him, yet he didn’t have the same depth and spiritual awareness that I was embodying. Spirituality was taboo for him, and he laughed when I offered to do healing work on him and energy work, which was so natural for me since I was doing energetic healing work on people in my family since I was a teenager.

Yet we had other common threads that we enjoyed together, such as dancing, watching movies together curled up in bed, drinking cappuccino’s together in his student apartment, and cuddling. He was intelligent and was studying engineering, well mannered and was a gentlemen; yet at the same time I sensed he was a younger soul then I, more in his ego then his true soul embodiment and he wanted me to be something that I was not.

He wanted to dress me how he wanted me to dress, as if I was his doll. He would buy me clothes that he thought would look good on me, and wanted me to conform to a certain way of looking that fit his ideal “dream woman”. I hated this. I hated feeling like I had to be something that I was not. This was the first experience I had of being in a relationship where I felt the friction and pressure of conformity.

In high school, it was much easier to blow away any kind of energetic conditioning of conformity, but in an intimate relationship with a guy that I loved, I felt pressured to conform to how he wanted me to be. I remember the first time I was going to meet his family, he didn’t want me to wear my bright, colorful and artful $500 Desigual coat I had bought in Barcelona (the most expensive beautiful coat I have ever invested in), but rather, a black coat like most people in Germany. So I told him, if he wanted me to wear a black coat to meet his family, then he could buy me one as a gift, and I would wear it, but I was not going to go out and buy my own. This was the first dagger of self betrayal. Subtle, yet still self betrayal. 

Now I see clearly in retrospect, how self betrayal doesn’t happen in just one incident…its insidious and is a slow process of burning ourselves by going against our inner truth—By wanting to be accepted and love. A very human condition.

I feel anger in my body as I write these lines. Anger for forcing myself to be something I was not. If we are simply not something, its because we were created to be different. This first memory of changing myself to be with someone I loved, was this black coat memory. The first strike of betrayal to my soul.

When was the first time you betrayed your soul?

When was the first memory you said yes to conformity, and struck a match against your inner truth?

When was the first time you did something that was not in alignment with your soul?

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And so began the human experience of relationships, men, and romantic love.

When was the first time I ever experienced insecurity and self doubt? In my first relationship with a guy.

When was the first time I betrayed myself? In my first relationship with a guy.

When was the first time I compromised? In my first relationship with a guy.

When was the first time I gave in to fear, as opposed to staying true to myself? In my first relationship with a guy.

All of this happened in a relationship. Note, that I don’t use the word “man”, since I was not in a relationship with a man, but a boy.

In a way, there is one aspect of my self that could percieve all of this as my fall from grace….yet again, my Higher Self tells me that this was all part of the Divine plan of experiencing the humanness of life, learning and remembering.

These experiences, like every experience forge us into who we are meant to be. They are life’s fires and the crucible of what we become. 

During these last 7 years of my life, of my 20s, I have had only 3 relationships. 

The first one was when I was 20 years old living in Germany.

The second one was when I was 22 years old living in Japan.

The third one was when I was 25 years old in Berlin. 

In this article, I am writing only about my first relationship. 

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After 4 months, I knew I wasn’t living in my truth anymore, because even though I loved him…I wasn’t in love with him, and I felt the need to be free knowing that this was a relationship of attachment and need, not pure love. I had the self honesty and authenticity to tell him this, and wanted to be friends and not in a relationship anymore. I then travelled extensively throughout Europe and Africa for some months, and upon returning for my second semester we got back together.

During these last few months of my student exchange and year abroad in Europe, I allowed myself to be young, reckless, danced in clubs and it was the first time in my life I tried drinking alcohol and had the experience of being “drunk”, since I had never been drunk prior to moving to Europe. I danced on the edge. I knew in my deepest heart that he was not the man I would be spending the rest of my life with, yet I wanted to enjoy every minute of this experience, and appreciating our connection for what it was. This sweet experience of being young and youthful—something that I had never experienced in this incarnation up until this point.

My first time having sex

It wasn’t until I was 21 years old that I had sex for the first time. When I first met my boyfriend when I was 20 years old, I didn’t have any interest in having sex with him. I didn’t need it and I didn't even desire it; I was planning on only having sex with a man when I would get married, in a sacred union. In a way, I was saving myself to have sex only with my future husband. Whether that was an ingrained conditioning from growing up in a catholic background, or a certain wisdom of my soul, I cannot say. What I can say with with clarity, is that I have always had a very strong will power. I have never been tempted by sexual attraction, and this indomitable will power is something I was born with. 

Then after having a near death experience where I blacked out one night, I realized that life is too short to live in a projected future, and to fully live in the moment. I chose to give myself to the moment of life, and live with no regrets. So we had sex for the first time, and it was very important that it be very special. He bought roses and hung them on the wall…and lit tea light candles and arranged them in the shape of "I love you".

It hurt the first time, and it was like my body was resisting him from entering me. How our beautiful and holy bodies know so much more then we sometimes acknowledge. The first time after having sex, I remember feeling a deep truth emerge within me that I couldn’t ignore: I felt like I had prostituted myself in someway. I felt like I had given myself to a man as a form of pleasing him, and I felt like a prostitute. 

Have you ever prostituted yourself and betrayed your truth?

When was the last time you prostituted yourself?

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I think to a certain degree, we all have had experiences where we have compromised and betrayed our souls. 

The seal of virginity & the awakening of the solar feminine

The second time we had sex, something within me didn’t want for him to be the one to break my hymen. I knew that it was a sacred and holy initiation, even if I wasn’t fully conscious of it yet. I remember consciously being guided to be on top of him, and I, to be the one to break the seal of my virginity. Some strong power in my soul, a deep ancient knowing, would not have my hymen be pierced through him penetrating me unconsciously. It was very clear in my soul, that I would not allow a man to break my seal of virginity. It had to be done by my own choice, authority, will and power.

So at 21 years old, I was the one to pierce the seal of virginity through my active solar feminine energy, and not passive receptive state. There was something empowering and liberating about this, knowing that I was initiating myself out of physical virginity in one form, and that no man could say they had done that to me. I felt free in myself, and like I hadn’t given away my power passively.

It was only until recently that I learned the deeper wisdom behind this subconscious guidance I had when I was 21 years old through research and books. In the ancient temple's of Priestess training a young girl would be brought to a ceremony at the time of her first moon to initiate her into her sexuality. This would happen with other women and Priestesses, and not with a man. The other women would touch her body and bring her into her holy sensuality, and at the end of this initiatory ceremony the High Priestess would use a crystal wand to enter the girl and initiate her into womanhood, breaking the shield of virginity with the crystalline energy. This happened with a crystal, and not a man's penis doing the penetrating.

Since I did not have this conscious memory of this when I was 21 years old, the ancient aspect of my soul knew intuitively that it should not be a man that would break my virginity, and I chose to do this for myself consciously. It was also an ignition of my power and this active solar feminine part of my being that awakened, that was not about to lay down and be passively penetrated by a man that did not fully see and feel my soul and deepest being; let alone know what an important sacred rite of passage this was. This knowing that this was meant to be a sacred and holy initiation was alive in my deepest being, and by me choosing to be the one to break my shield of virginity—I was honoring my being and staying rooted in my true sovereignty. 

Truthfully, after experiencing sex I did not understand what this whole hype was around it. Why were so many people always interested in sex? Talking about sex? Needing sex? I didn’t understand how so many people could be so consumed by sex. It didn’t really do anything for me. I only felt like I was prostituting myself for a man that had sexual needs. And the truth is, is that I was never interested in just pleasure…I was longing for something much more deeper, holier, purer, sacred and richer. And what was missing was the soulfulness of sex. Since I was with a “normal” guy, I felt that the sacredness and holiness of sex was missing. There is a big difference between sex and making love. I knew in the depth of my being that it was possible to experience sacred lovemaking, but didn’t have that experience with this first guy because he simply didn’t embody the sacred. 

The return to my higher self and the rage of my soul   

My next relationship that I was deeply blessed to experience and live was with a man in Japan, who was an Earth Angel, that I will write an entirely different article on this immaculate pure love relationship that was rooted in pure selflessness, devotion, light and the purest love. My third relationship was the most intense relationship, connected to spirituality and brought me into the realms of ecstatic light and God Union and to the deepest hell and darkness I have experienced in this lifetime; an initiatory relationship. 

It wasn’t until last year after having an experience with someone, that I was invited powerfully by life to wake up from this disillusionment with men, romantic love and relationships—through the most brutal self betrayal yet. It catapulted me back into Clarity and Reality. The beautiful and fresh rootedness in Reality, and back to embodying my Higher Self once again.

After the last 6 years of having sexual experiences with only a few men, what I have come to realize in myself now is that having relationships with men that were of a very different consciousness then myself, hurt me. It hurt me to the point when my soul got enraged and woke up again like Kali breathing fire. She had simply had enough! Enough. It almost feels like waking up from a dream, a dream of romantic disillusionment’s. My time of experimenting with boys is done. After this fierce and ruthless awakening last year, my inner knowing clearly told me that the next partnership I will have in life will be with a fully Initiated Being and Soul.  

A new era and the greater awareness of sexuality  

It’s now time for me to fiercely root myself back into my inner monk. To be married to my Self, and the connection with God/All That Is/Spirit is the only thing I am committed to. My Higher Self allowed my human Nicole to experience these relationships with men, and engage in sexual experiences—and now my Higher Self has told me I am complete with this experimentation. This cycle is done. Finished. Fertig.  

It’s been over a year since I ended a relationship, and what I can say with absolute conviction is that my full clarity, knowing and power has returned. The fullness of who I am, is being embodied at an accelerated rate and I am becoming my Higher Self once again. My Higher Self is being anchored strongly within me, and the perceived separation of me and my Higher Self is losing its boundaries, and merging in union once again, like how it was when I was younger starting out in this life.

There is nothing wrong with sex, yet what must be highlighted for women to be aware of, is that lower unrefined sexual energy of men can be destructive to a women’s soul embodiment process and subtle physical body. The reality is that we live in a world where very few men have refined their sexual energy and have the consciousness to know how to channel their sexual energy in a healthy way. In addition, when you engage sexually with a man, you merge with his consciousness. If his consciousness is very different then yours, it can be a hindrance in your spiritual evolution. It can actually negatively effect your spiritual growth, ripening and flourishing.

Now after waking up from this huge illusion, I am grateful to be clear in reality. Grateful to see the traps of relationships, the traps of romantic love and sexual experiences that lack soul, sacredness and holiness. My 21 year old self always knew that sexuality was meant to be holy, sacred and nothing less. I intrinsically knew this, because I have experienced that in other lifetimes. It’s like the fullness of Who I Am, was placed in spiritual amnesia and I came to this Earth having to start out again as all humans do on the path of being incarnated…yet my soul had to quickly wake up from a young age to remember who I am and what I came to this Earth to do. 

I write and share my truth, in order to bring a greater awareness and light to this topic. A topic that affects every women in her life. There is such a strong hype in the world for romantic relationships, dating, sexual fulfillment, and orgasms. Yet, is that truly the most important thing in life? What's truly important to you as a soul and incarnate Being? I know for myself, that the most important thing is to live from my Higher Self, to rise in my Highest Expression and I am no longer interested in "relationships"—I long for True Communion and Holy Union. 

The value of celibacy as much as sexuality 

What I have come to realize, is that you can’t teach anyone sacredness, holiness and purity of love. They either embody this, or they don't. It’s very simple. I also feel strongly that we need to educate our daughters, girls, and young women on the importance of celibacy just as much as the importance of opening to having relationships and engaging in sexuality. I feel the society we live in has swayed out of balance, by emphasizing sexuality and relationships so strongly. We see it infiltrated in the media, tv and movies. What about also encouraging the girls of this generation to also value celibacy and the potent gifts that it brings? Reminding young women that you don't always need to be in relationships and that time alone is powerful! Reminding young women that virginity is just as beautiful as choosing to be sexual. 

A last important point I wish to share in this article, is that in the last few years of my journey I started to question whether I in someway had a sexual block because I was not such a sexual person in the way the world, media, and society informs me that I as a woman, should be. I read books on tantra, went to workshops and read articles on sexuality and orgasms. It wasn't until this past year of being alone, that I started to meet other sisters and women who also didn't have such a strong desire and urge for sex. Meeting these sisters on the path, really affirmed my own truth to me strongly—that we live in a hyper sexualized world and not all women need to be super sexual beings. There is such a strong pressure for women to be sexual and sexually open, whatever that means.

Last summer I attended the Awakening Women Institute's summer Yogini Retreat in Corfu, Greece for 1 month. During this time I connected with women from all around the world, and some embodied this sexual energy much stronger then others. One very wise older sister, that truly embodied this strong sexual Shakti told me, "Nicole, maybe sexuality is simply not your portal. For some women, it's their portal and for you perhaps sitting in meditation is your portal." It was relieving to hear this, and to be reminded that we are all different beings. Some of us are naturally more sexual then others, and I don't have to be super sexual. What a relief.

I also realized that in my energetic constitution I am more anchored in my upper chakra's then in my lower chakra's, which is the reason that sex has never really interested me so strongly like for some people. In addition, it's not that I don't have strong sexual energy awake and alive within me—in the contrary I feel a superabundance of Shakti, life force energy and creative energy bursting through me all the time—yet how I channel this energy is very different then the normal way we are educated in the world.

This superabundance of Shakti and creative sexual energy I have, has been utilized to create and live my life fully. I have channeled my sexual energy into creating my life as a masterpiece and service of divinity. By the time I was 25 years old, I had travelled to over 50+ countries and also completed my Master's Degree in Transpersonal Psychology. Perhaps in this lifetime, some of us don't need to be focused on just sharing our sexual energy with men in relationships, but channeling our sexual creative life energy into different dimensions of life and creation. This is something that we are not taught growing up, but is essential for advanced souls to remember.

You as a woman, have the choice to choose which man you allow into your holy temple.

You as a woman, must have the clear eye of discernment when navigating relationships with men.

You as a woman, must be uncompromising in choosing which man you merge with in consciousness.

You as a woman, must choose consciously how you channel your creative sexual energy.

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This aspect of human life, truly has one of the strongest impacts and affects on a woman’s life and spiritual evolution.

A solid sense of Self Responsibility is required. Choose wisely. Discern. Be clear. Know Your Self. Stay rooted in your Truth and Remember that you are a Holy Sacred Temple of Love, and anything that doesn’t meet this exquisite frequency is simply not meant to be wedded to your soul, heart, body and consciousness. Your Being is meant to be treasured as the immaculate vessel of love and eternity in which you are. 

It's time we make vows to ourself once again.

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I hereby declare and choose to wed myself in the sacrament of holy Christed love, unity and oneness. 

I hereby declare and commit to honoring my body temple to the highest most immaculate standard of conduct.

I hereby declare and commit to Self Love.

I am married and fully committed to God, above all else, my relationship with Eternity and My eternal Self. 

My vow is to be married to the divinity within. Holy Union. To live this, and Be This.

“Women have had sexual repression, economic repression, political repression, social repression, ideological repression and spiritual repression. Sisterhood is powerful. Woman can support each other as women, in their pursuit for enlightenment or anything else, without fear. But as long as she's still in the commodities exchange market, buying and selling, she must fear the competition. As a woman you must unite with other women for a while and perhaps even reject the world of men, just to balance yourself. The average woman today is almost completely out of touch with her own power. While notable advances in certain parts of the world in woman's rights have occurred in the last hundred years, the centuries of conditioning and the mentality that views women as inferior still pervade our world today. Women must work doubly hard to overcome their conditioning in order to become enlightened. They must erase both conscious and unconscious ideas of sexual inferiority that have been programmed into their awareness.” -Dr. Frederike Lenz, Women - Men and Self Realization

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We are living in a time, were evolution is rapidly calling to us. The psychological and energetic structures that encumber the planet today deeply hold a woman back from fully embodying her power.  My journey for myself, in the past 7 years has been navigating all the ways that these conditionings exist within the collective feminine psyche, since I am currently in a woman's body in this lifetime. If I was incarnate as a man, I would be writing about the collective masculine psyche. These centuries of conditionings are within the framework of the psyche, and it's been a process of excavation to find all these structures, and then to burn them in the light of awareness. 

The solar feminine is screaming to be awakened once again, after a period of 6,000 years of a slumber. We as women, must remember that true femininity is not just receptive, gentle and nurturing; but is active, passionate, creative, powerful and strong. To be a whole woman, means to embody all aspects of Self in all forms, and not to be limited by one model of femininity that we see so often in society. 

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It is with my deepest heart, that I intend for this piece of writing to bring a greater awareness to this discourse, and may it spark the seeds of remembrance and ignite a deepening of self inquiry in us all. 

to thine own self be true ▽ ▽ ▽

Spirituality and Money ~ One Love

The holy and beautiful devotion to the sacred currency [current] of money.

A topic that is not often discussed in spirituality is money.

What is money?

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Money is energy.

Money is love.

Money is honey.

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With money, you can expand and open your life.

Money is a tool for soul expansion, growth and evolution.

Money gives you freedom—to be able to have, be and do what you need to do in this lifetime; in order to support you in becoming what you are required to become.

All these negative conditionings around money really need to be burned up.

Money is neither good nor bad, it is neutral. It is simply what it is, without any pretenses. It’s a tool, a magical wand that can open doors and possibilities, that makes life more magical, alive and colorful. It has the capacity to richen one’s life, and bring in more dimensions and realms of experiences and expansions. Money is a tool that opens gates and portals into previously unknown worlds and realities.

What I see again and again, is how so many people limit themselves “because of money”—especially women. They become controlled by money. And when you are controlled by money, you are not free. Anything that binds you—inhibits you, and therefore you are living in an invisible cage. Therefore most people live their lives trapped in the cage of “lack, fear and self imposed suppression” because they think they can’t afford certain things. They think they can’t do certain things, because of the infamous excuse “I don’t have enough money”, “I can’t afford it” or “It’s too much”.

Which are all self-defeating and untrue statements. Also, it’s part of a heavily ingrained victim consciousness pervading the planet.

As if we are not highly powerful Divine Beings capable of embracing the flow of money, and thriving in abundance.

When I was 15 years old, starting out on my path in life I made a promise to myself from a young age—that in this lifetime, I will NEVER allow the prism of money to stop me from having, being, doing and becoming the woman I am meant to be in this lifetime. I simply made the declaration that I will not live in a cage. 

I am here to live in freedom. I will not be a slave to money. I will not be a victim in this life to circumstances. I will not give away my power to money, as an excuse for not being able to do something I would love to do!

I made a fierce commitment to myself, that I will always do what I love and will never be limited because of money. I will always have more then enough money to travel anywhere in the world where I need to go. I will always have more then enough money to invest in my spiritual growth and evolution. I will always have more then enough money to live a beautiful life that’s set aflame with my deepest passions and soul congruence. I am committed to thriving and flourishing in all aspects of my being, and I choose to have money in this lifetime in order to be generous and give. Why? Because it feels so good to give! I give my time, energy and love in many ways. I also love to give, share and circulate the flow of money; because I know that money is a river that flows like the streams in the world. The ocean is abundance, and the currents of money all come and go from the ocean of life. 

I will always live free, be free and blaze in the fires of freedom; simply because I would rather die, then live as a slave in this lifetime. And if you don't have money to live fully free, then you are in someway enslaved. Not only enslaved, but also restricted and limited in your options. I am on this Earth to live; fully, completely and totally. Unboundedly. Wholeheartedly! And I refuse to be controlled by money. Instead, I choose money to be a liberator....a lover...a partner in this co-creation. 

You and I are not here to play small.

You and I are not here to shrink.

You and I are not here to live in fear. Nor, to wallow in self pity.

We are not here to be disempowered.

We are not victims.

Money has given me so much. It’s really a tool. It’s allowed me to meet soul family around the world, that I would never have had the chance to meet had I not had money as a way for me to get to certain places on this globe. It has allowed me to grow in so many ways, by investing in my education and spiritual development. It has allowed me to live with ease of being, where I can relax and feel ease in my finances. Money has allowed me to experience so much beauty on this Earth, through having the opportunity to go to breathtaking sacred sites that are powerful energetic activation centers on this Earth.

Frederick Lenz, Ph.D, was a spiritual teacher who taught American Buddhism which included the teachings of Tibetan Buddhism, Zen, Vedanta, and Mysticism. He was also known as Rama. He said, "Some of the highest vibratory places on the Earth are the domains of the rich. Certain neighborhoods have more power and are the most expensive places to be. They have the highest domains of power, and when living there more power goes through you. Certain powers are available in certain parts of the Earth and there are those that can use this power to stay rich and become wealthier. Some live in these places to use this power, not to become more wealthy but to advance one's awareness field. Pure power that can be used for any purpose; becoming rich, famous or seeking enlightenment." When you have money, you can choose to live in places on this Earth that hold a high degree of power which also accelerates your spiritual growth and evolution. I have found for myself that spending time in Hawaii for example nourishes and expands my awareness field, whereas spending time in a populated city dulls and contracts my field at times. 

Money is also a source of power, because it gives you the power to do what you want to do.

When you have money, you have power to makes changes in the world. Big changes that affects millions of people, depending on the amount of money you have. When you have money, you can create new structures and implement changes in society that are more in alignment with Heart, Soul and Spirit. When you can barely afford to support yourself, how can you have the time, energy and resources to serve something greater then yourself?

I simply wouldn’t be the woman I am today, had I not had “money” as a tool for expansion, growth and expression. Money has opened my world to worlds beyond what I could have imagined. It’s been pivotal to my soul growth and in expanding my consciousness in this lifetime. And with the expansion of consciousness, comes a natural inclination and yearning to serve beyond ones self. It's hard to stay in the box of just "you" when you realize you are connected to everyone and everything on this planet, let alone the entire universe. 

It takes up a tremendous amount of energy worrying about money. Imagine and envision what you could be creating with this extra amount of energy, being sourced for something much more aligned, beneficial and inspiring. Time devoted to something that serves the greater good.

Cultivating a strong energetic chalice for receiving, growing and sustaining wealth and abundance is essential in blossoming in this physical world. If your wealth chalice is chipped or broken, you will not be able to hold this energy (as money is energy!), and healing and nourishing your wealth chalice is required.

A deep root of what blocks many people from having money is the fear of being powerful (that, and a deeply ingrained unworthiness conditioning). There is a strongly ingrained outlook that money is fundamentally bad, because of those throughout history who have had power and wealth that have not always used it for the benefit and upliftment of society. Yet, there are those on this Earth now that have money, are deeply rooted in their heart and soul—and are here to create global changes and transformations in our modern day world.

I know this, because I have met them, along my path. They utilize money as a form of power, for the benefit of all beings. Their wealth, is a tool to create changes in the world, and uplift consciousness and restructure the human paradigm. Bless these beautiful beings that are the trailblazers of the new paradigm of “spiritual people”. Spiritual people that have money, wealth and abundance. It’s so needed! It’s so required. It’s time.

I have friends that are millionaires. And I also have friends that have no money. And everything in between. There is also a deeply conditioned outlook in the human psyche that those with money are “bad”, “greedy”, “selfish” and “not spiritual”. So many judgments, assumptions and projections when it comes to money. Truly, the world is in need of spiritual billionaires. Conscious beings utilizing the tool of money for the restructuring of this Earth, one thats in synch with the heart and the Earth. Can you imagine a world where those in power were enlightened beings, who possessed a great degree of wealth and knew how to utilize it for the greater evolution of humanity and the Earth? Can we allow ourselves to envision the beauty and possibility of spiritual people thriving in all facets of life, including financially? Why is the financial component of living, deemed any less of value and importance then the physical, emotional and spiritual realms? The perceived dichotomy of money and spirituality, needs to dissolve now. We must realize that with money, comes power, and the capacity to create changes on a global scale of transformation—which is very much needed in this time of living on the Earth. Consciousness brings transformation, yet imagine, consciousness and money dancing together...

In my own experience, I have seen that those with money DO live much freer lives. There is a frequency of ease, support and wellness that emanates in their presence. It’s an emanation of ease, trust and flow. Money doesn't make anyone more happy, but it does give one much more ample freedom to live in ease in this physical material world. In addition, one may be more supported in ascending in Maslow's hierarchy of needs from basic safety up to altruism, self actualization and self transcendence. 

THERE IS NOTHING SPIRITUAL ABOUT BEING POOR, BROKE AND FINANCIALLY STRUGGLING.

This is not healthy, not admirable and definitely NOT “spiritual”.

Let’s not glorify poverty, lack and struggle.

There is nothing enlightening about struggling and just having enough. If you look around you, you see this Earth and all the multitudes of creation. This life is not just “enough”, its a overflowing source of abundance in all forms. It’s ever expanding, creating and generating new life every single moment.

Do you think you are separate from the source of Life? When you connect to your True Nature, you know you are One with Life. Therefore, you realize that money is not separate from you, because in essence—it is you. Money is energy. You are also a sparkle of energy. There is an intrinsic union in deeply realizing the illusion of separation, and the falsity of lack; the largest lie permeating the collective consciousness. 

Money is a blessing that allows you to be generous and give from a state of plentitude and fullness. Money really is an offering of love, devotion and service. With it, we can uplift those around us, create change and crystallize the world with true beauty through embodying and mastering all that we are.

Do you remember how good it feels to give and be generous? It feels so good and uplifting! Why? Because this is our natural state. We are created and meant to be generous Beings. Not constricted, fearful, and selfish humans.

It’s so important to always follow your heart, resonance and highest excitement. This is the path of beauty, easy and grace. The way most people operate and live in the world is like this: “I don’t have money, therefore I can’t do this”. AND BOOM. They cut themselves down, without even knowing they are the ones that are limiting their reality. Trapping themselves. How do you know that you are trapping yourself? It doesn’t feel good when you trap yourself and say no to following your heart and what you truly want to do. In fact, it feels terrible. 

It’s never that one can’t do something, rather its how deeply committed one is to having what one wants, or doing what one desires. It’s always a matter of priority and commitment.

The basic premise is to trust. Not just lukewarm trust, but Divine Unfaltering Fearless Faith Burning Trust. To live in the arms of trust, is to awaken to holy grace, and know with 100% conviction that when you fully commit to following your heart, you will be provided for and supported by All of Life and Existence. 

Life and the Universe always opens magical doors for those brave enough to tread through the waters of doubts. The doors will always remain closed for those who live in their cages of fear. But for those souls that have the tenacity to move outside the cage, and show Life fearless faith—they will always be divinely supported. I know this, because I have lived this.

Be brave. Trust, and always follow your heart and deepest soul resonance. Eternity smiles, and infinity sings. ♡

1 on 1 Abundance Activation Sessions ∞

For those who are interested in receiving Abundance Activation Session's with me, I am now working with clients 1 on 1 in private sessions (both in person and Globally on Skype) to clear, heal, unlock, awaken and activate one's Abundance Imprint so that you may thrive and cultivate a healthy loving relationship with money. In these sessions, we do deep energetic cleansing and purifying of old ingrained beliefs around money, and I work with you in clearing the energetic contractions at the root in order to reset your Divine template for accessing, embodying and receiving abundance. This, in addition, with building a strong energetic container to receive money. In these sessions, we powerfully reestablish Divine Trust and Divine Worthiness, and activate the floodgates for abundance to make its home in your heart once again, sealed in the Divine Light. If you feel a calling to book a session with me, you can write me a message Here. 

My Initiation into Self Authority & Spiritual Discernment: Assisting a Spiritual Teacher in Hawaii

"Spiritual discernment, called viveka khyatir in Sanskrit, is said to be the "crowning wisdom" on the spiritual path. The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali say that the cultivation of discernment is so powerful that it has the capacity to destroy ignorance and address the very source of suffering. According to Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, to discern is "to recognize or identify as separate and distinct." Those who possess spiritual discernment have learned this skill in relationship to spiritual matters, and they can consistently make intelligent, balanced, and excellent choices in their lives and in relationship to their spiritual development. Their eyes are wide open, and they see clearly." ~ Mariana Caplan, in Eyes Wide Open

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Last year I was invited to spend the entire year of 2016 with a female spiritual teacher in the USA, that has a home base in Hawaii. She invited me to come to Hawaii and travel with her on her tour in the USA for the duration of the year, working as her personal assistant in exchange for me doing an apprenticeship program with her. I received this invitation at the time where I was just beginning to step out and facilitate Sacred Women Circle’s and offer workshops with women on my own.

All of this was truly flourishing in Berlin and for the first time in my life I felt I was truly being of service in the way I was meant to serve, through listening to a strong transpersonal calling that led me to embody, awaken and activate the sacred feminine within women. I was living on purpose, and over the course of 6 weeks a magical energetic portal had opened and I had connected with over 120+ women from around the world that attended the circle’s, workshops and retreats at the end of 2015. It was a current of pure grace that opened the way. I felt my dharma being crystalized and a true sense of vocation ripening.

During this time there was an inner conflict on whether I should take this opportunity, and spend time with this teacher in Hawaii because everything with regards to my dharma and service was flourishing so beautifully in Berlin. For many people at the time, including myself, this opportunity presented itself as a golden opportunity to spend time with an “enlightened” woman who works with the Divine Light and teaches about the Divine Feminine. She also presents herself as an embodiment of the Divine Mother.

All my life I never had a spiritual teacher because Life in itself was my teacher. Then when I was 26 years old, I started to wonder whether having a spiritual teacher would support and accelerate my awakening and spiritual evolution.

Additionally, I sincerely wanted to learn, grow and evolve spiritually.

In the weeks leading up to me going to Hawaii, some friends would say to me “it’s so great you are going to be with your spiritual teacher” and each time a friend would say this I would hear a soft inner voice within say clearly “she’s not my spiritual teacher”. I never said she was my teacher—as I believe its something that reveals itself in time. Nevertheless, I still went because at the time I would have regretted not going, and I also felt I had to go. Yet, at the same time I also had a strong premonition that I would not be spending the entire year with her. One of my gifts since I was young, is the ability to feel the future…and in this situation I knew that I would not be with her for the entire year.

I ended up going with a pure heart, yet what was planned to be a year venture together ended after 1.5 months as I had sensed. I have to say; it was the most terrible, painful and confusing experience. The reason I feel strongly called to share about my personal experience is that it may serve as a reminder to all of us to utilize keener spiritual discernment when it comes to spiritual teachers and healers. I sincerely hope that my experience may serve as a warning for any other spiritual seekers on the path, and especially for other women. It can be so easy to give away our power and authority to something or somebody outside of ourselves. Growing up, we are often not encouraged to be in our own self authority, and there are so many conditionings that are placed on us. I feel like its a subtle program that keeps women small, to believe that somebody outside of ourselves holds more wisdom, knowing or spiritual insight then we contain within. 

This is why I feel compelled to share about my experience and this initiation into Self Authority.

Our original agreement was that I would assist her mainly with social media presence and expanding her outreach, with minimal cooking and cleaning responsibilities. The first 2.5 weeks we were in Maui together, I mainly drove her around to her appointments, waited on her in between her Skype sessions all day, made smoothies every morning and prepared some meals. I noticed after a week of doing these duties, that we didn’t really have a true connection (I never felt a close heart connection with her) and I wasn’t doing the tasks that we had agreed on before I came to Hawaii. I felt more like a robot and servant. She never asked me how I was feeling, or related to me as a human being; instead I felt like I was just an object being told and instructed what to do, with everything revolving around her.   

Most days were 8-10 hour days, and after a few weeks I started to feel something was really off. I felt sadness and anger swell up within my being. I didn’t feel valued as a human being, and I experienced the relationship as almost being taken for granted that someone should wait on her, without any feeling of appreciation for my time, presence and assistance. When I shared my experience with her, she told me I was being impatient and in the time to come the tasks would shift to more social media work (the true reason I came to assist). I kept brushing this inner sadness behind and also pushing away this anger I felt. Thinking that I shouldn’t be angry. Some days I had tears that came because I knew I wasn’t living in alignment with my truth, and also I recognized that she didn’t really care about how I felt, and was only focused on her needs.

Before I share more, to have a more expanded context she in someone who plays the role of Guru even when she is not from an Indian Yogic tradition. During my time with her, I didn’t feel she was embodying the feminine, and instead felt a strong patriarchal and hierarchal energy in which she was operating from. I felt an overbearing dominant masculine authority within her. Someone who has to be in control all the time, and uses her power as a subtle form of intimidation to keep herself secure and above other people (usually people who need to be in control all the time are the ones that have the deepest insecurity of being vulnerable). I only realized in retrospect, that I never experienced the emanation of love while being in her presence. I realize now that is probably why I felt so much fear in speaking my truth to her, that in conjunction with the remembrance of previous lifetimes where patriarchal forces suppressed many women in speaking their truth.

I recognized for myself, that the role of Guru is really an outdated form of spirituality. It’s not in alignment with the evolutionary currents of contemporary spirituality and even though I can honor the role its played throughout history, and has served many people—in my deepest truth, a “Guru” and the attached conditionings around this title are heavily intertwined with unhealthy patriarchal beliefs, expectations and ideologies. I know that true liberated spiritual teachers do not need a group of followers that bow their heads in subservience to their spiritual authority.

True spiritual teachers awaken the God essence within ourselves, to realize that we are no different then they are and support us in rising in our fullest and truest realization, expression and embodiment.

They don’t push you down, rather encourage you to rise. I saw a strong contradiction with this teacher who talks about the importance of the Divine Feminine on the planet, without embodying the qualities of the feminine herself by choosing to place herself above other people.  This is not the feminine way. The feminine is not hierarchal and is collaborative, mutual, equal and compassionate. How easy it is to teach about spirituality in words, but it’s completely another level to truly be living and embodying what one teaches. She teaches about love, yet in my direct experience she was not embodying qualities of kindness, love, humility, integrity, sincerity and gratitude. I came to realize that the best teaching, is the transmission of what one is; rather then what they speak about. 

This is why utilizing spiritual discernment in the 21st century that we live is crucial amongst so many people who call themselves “spiritual teachers” and talk about enlightenment. When someone claims to be a holy embodiment of the Divine Mother (isn’t every woman a holy embodiment of the Divine Mother?), as justification for others around her to serve and cater to her needs while placing herself above other people—it’s not right. It’s a form of manipulation to use people around you as personal maids just because they look up to you as a teacher, and then justify it by calling it “seva”. I realized that if a spiritual teacher does not embody humility, integrity and purity—that is not a true spiritual teacher. I realized the deep importance of these three qualities through the absence of these qualities with the teacher I lived with.

She told me that the apprenticeship program would start at the beginning of January once we were in Kauai, and once we got to Kauai she informed me that it would not be possible to do the apprenticeship program, because after checking in with her admin team she realized I have to first undergo a series of private sessions before getting admitted into the apprenticeship program. It would have been nice to known that before I left Germany and travelled to Hawaii. Our original agreement was broken, and I was starting to see through the disillusionment.

At the beginning of our time together in Kauai, she told me that her past assistant and former Apprentice was a crazy and delusional woman, and her current house assistant was also crazy and deluded. Does it come as a surprise what I was foreshadowed to be? The crazy, deluded assistant. Yes, the scapegoat.

In the month we spent together in Kauai, in a beautiful multimillion dollar house she rented, my role was like a live in maid. I made smoothies every morning, helped her move houses after her original house was infested with black mold, I washed moldy clothes, folded clothes, unpacked her suitcase and did a lot of cleaning. In a way, I found it to be a strange situation that I had found myself in. Here I was in Kauai spending more time with her clothes, mold and disinfecting her life;  then spending time related to anything resembling true spirituality, let alone learning anything that was spiritually transformative. 

Anytime I expressed my sadness and disappointment, it was conveyed to others later as me “having a temper tantrum” simply by speaking what I felt calmly. I’ve never been someone who loses my temper, and I felt hurt when I found out she was telling people things that were not true about me, and making gigantic exaggerations. Almost as if, I didn’t have the right to speak my truth and challenge certain things that didn’t feel right in my being. When I noticed something was out of integrity I expressed it.  I was not encouraged to speak honestly, and instead I was put down for it. I was told I shouldn’t ask certain questions and to mind my own business. In the times when I did speak my truth, I was told I was being aggressive, impatient and ungrateful. Those who know me, know I am one of the most gentle beings, and what I witnessed was projections being put on me in order for her to avoid seeing truth that I was reflecting to her about herself.

As I write these words, I have so much tender love and respect for my 26 year old self last year…the young woman who found herself in a rather unhealthy dynamic, trying her best to stand in her power while having an open heart and speaking truth. In the final weeks of January, things became really messy. There were many conflicts around the time I spent serving her, and what actually she counted as “work” hours…for her it was normal to have me wait on her hand and foot all day and not count that as a full work day, since I had time to do what I wanted during the hours spent waiting on her in between her sessions. Her mentor found out about this and told her she had to compensate me for my time, and couldn’t just expect people to serve her without compensation. She couldn’t risk losing her relationship with her mentor, and from this point forward I became the scapegoat and “crazy assistant”.

She often reminded me how grateful I should feel to have this opportunity to be working as her assistant and to have the opportunity to stay in a luxurious house with her. Truthfully, I couldn’t care less about staying in a million dollar house, when the true desire was to grow and evolve spiritually. I wasn’t interested in luxury and would have been very content camping on the beach.

On one of my last evenings with her, she was laying on the bed while she instructed me on how to hang her clothes up in the closet, making sure all the colors were together and hanged up accordingly. She was very good at micromanaging. She told me about the importance of “Seva” and doing karma yoga. She then told me something that I will never forget: “Nicole, aren’t you just grateful to be in my presence and Light? Do you know how many people would love to have the opportunity that you have?”. I was speechless. A silent inner voice within me said “aren’t you also grateful to be in my presence and shouldn’t it be reciprocal and mutual?”. I never said it though. From her perspective, she’s the Guru that everyone looks up to and the world should be grateful to be in her presence and light. I felt it to be a huge distortion and knew that I had to leave.

At the end of my time with her, I started to physically become sick while being with her because of how often she would lie to my face and manipulate. Anytime she said something to me that was not true, I felt pain in my stomach. I was told by one of her best friends that all her former assistants were rather psychologically weak, docile, complacent, had low self esteem and were not connected to their power. It seems the only people who could live with her in the long term were people who were disconnected from their own knowing and power. I intuit that in the past with her former assistants she could lie and manipulate without them knowing, because when she speaks she speaks with a very strong authority.

Being highly energetically sensitive and also strongly psychic from a young age, I am not someone who can be lied to easily. I see through manipulation and also physically feel it as pain in my body. When somebody says something that’s not coming from the purity of truth, I feel the dissonance strongly within my own body. When she asked me why I felt pain in my body after she said something to me, I looked at her in the eye and told her because I knew she was lying to me. With that, she didn’t say anything. It happened so often, that I knew in the depths of my being that she was not someone I could trust.

This experience taught me a lot about spiritual arrogance, spiritual ego and the pitfalls of spirituality. In the weeks leaving the situation and parting ways with this spiritual teacher, were some of the darkest I have experienced. The lies, drama, and manipulation she used to turn everyone against me, worked. Even a friend and mentor in California who was also friends with her turned her back on me after hearing all the drama and lies that were painted of me. I would wake up in the morning in paradise, and feel like I was having a heart attack because of the pain of being talked about so negatively behind my back and the drama was like burning in fire on the cross. There’s been no other time in my life when I was physically having shooting pains in my heart chakra, and no other time in my life filled with so much drama. Even growing up in Canada, I never experienced drama in high school or university. 

Having multiple people hear lies and distortions, and being portrayed as “crazy, arrogant, selfish, lacking humility and having a mental problem” was like living in a nightmare of illusions. In addition, it was said “I should stop expecting everyone to serve me and stop being a Goddess.” Being told this after serving and assisting her for 1.5 months nonstop, 187 hours spent serving in December followed by 133 hours in January spent mainly cleaning moldy bins and clothes was like drinking vinegar. Then hearing that I should go to India and learn how to serve and do karma yoga, while integrating my ego and that I am not ready for real spirituality tasted like acid. I was made into the scapegoat, in order to protect her relationship with her mentor and protect her reputation.

It felt like I was truly living in hell with all the spiritual projections, ignorance and negativity. This process felt like a total annihilation. I would wonder how it was possible for these “spiritually enlightened” beings to be so far from the truth and engage in the most “unspiritual” behavior I have ever witnessed by mature adults. Having spiritual teachers and healers put some strong projections onto me was really confusing, and forced me deeper into knowing myself deeper. I was only able to realize later in the year after much deep self examination and reflection, that my purity was bringing up a lot of darkness and distortions in the field that was present for them. It was easy for them to label me as the black sheep, but what they were not able to do was look within themselves of what was being triggered. It was easier to "push me aside", rather then look at their own shadows that were coming to the light.  I felt that Life had me play the role of the Angel that was demonized as the Devil. A really hard role to play.

When it came time to part ways, I told her I no longer wanted to work with her and have any sessions (I only had 2 sessions in the entire time together for all the hours of work), and wanted to be compensated. She then told me she was broke and couldn’t afford to pay me (she later did, by borrowing money from our mutual friend who is no longer my friend after this situation).

What did I learn from this experience? A lot. It made me grow into spiritual maturity and ripped me awake out of my naivety. I had been naive. I also realized that it’s so easy to think that other people, especially spiritual authority knows more then we do, which is not always the case. It’s easy to give away our power to spiritual authority, rather then claiming that from within. It sharpened my spiritual discernment, and made me see with crystal clarity that not all spiritual teachers live what they teach. There’s a lot of spiritual bullshit in the world and many fake teachers. If I could tell my younger self a message from the future, it would be to feel with your heart what you feel a spiritual teacher emanates…can you feel love? Can you feel truth? Can you feel purity in their presence? The words are just words, and listen beneath the words…to the depth of the transmission of energy. And also look at how they interact and treat their assistants. 

In the weeks after I parted ways with her, I found out that this spiritual teacher told my friend who told my former partner that he was a Saint for not knocking me out, when we had been together in Berlin. How is it possible that a spiritual teacher could say such a derogatory thing? How can anyone for that matter wish violence onto someone? Let alone a “spiritual teacher and healer”? I was again flabbergasted, and felt really hurt that someone would wish that on me. 

My inner knowing was right all along—she wasn’t my teacher and I knew I wouldn’t be with her for a year. It was the biggest initiation of my life to date, which tested my purity, truth and light like no other experience prior. I now know I can walk on fire. I know what its like to burn on the cross and be annihilated. I really felt in some way that this experience was like a modern day witch burning and in someway felt akin to Jesus’s crucification when he was put on the cross.

On some level, my soul must have been calling in this crucification initiation for my journey and evolution. This short period of my life was like walking in veils of distortions and projections, and fumbling for truth in a black sky. The degree of pain I felt in my heart from all the lies, outcasting, manipulation, power playing and so much untruth—ignited a fire in my heart for truth and True Spirituality. Like a phoenix from the ashes of annihilation I rose and it brought me to my true path. At moments during this period of darkness and hell, I often felt like I was going crazy…and at the same time the experience wielded me back into my true sense of self and deepest conviction of knowing myself beyond anything outside myself. I learned to trust myself deeper, and to fully reclaim my self authority. A friend at the time who supported me during this trial, who is in her last year of completing her Ph.D in Transpersonal Psychology said to me, “Nicole, are you really insane or is your environment so deluded?”. We both knew the answer to that.

On some days I would ask myself, who is dying? What can really die? I realized that only that which is not real can die. What remains after the blazing fire is only the purity of the gold that shines with life.

I believe we can die and be reborn simultaneously. Even when submerged in apparent darkness, never forget that we have brilliant wings that allow us to fly in the night sky.

I ended up going on a 10 hour internal vision quest and journey into the sacred waters of Wai'ale'ale at the end of my time in Kauai. I will never forget the drive in the early morning, and my friend was sitting in the front seat talking with our guide on the way into the valley, and all I could do was lay down on the back seat of the car the whole time in silence, with tears in my eyes from the pain of being so maliciously lied about, and betrayed. My heart was burning in pain.

On this sacred hike, I was asking life what my next steps were. The slate had been wiped clean, as my whole projected year had disintegrated in a matter of weeks and it was now a fresh page. In the silence of the valley, I heard a small gentle voice within say clearly:

“GO BACK TO BERLIN AND ACTIVATE THE SACRED FEMININE WITHIN WOMEN AND THE CITY". I knew I had to go. I felt this divine calling and mission very strongly.

Many people around me told me not to go back to Berlin. A friend and mentor at the time, a woman who I deeply admired and looked up to as a source of inspiration was telling me not to return to Berlin and instead I should continue with my education and do my Ph.D in Spiritual Psychology. She advised me to drop the spiritual world for a bit, and go back into psychology and do my doctorate. Even though I appreciated her guidance, the voice of my own soul spoke to me so strongly…the truth that resided within me was so potent and clear, that I knew I had to follow my own inner voice as opposed to listening to someone else. It takes so much courage to live a life where you follow your own inner guidance, and do not listen to others over your own inner knowing…even when these people might be guides, teachers or people you look up to in someway. The truth is that ONLY YOU KNOW what you have to do in this lifetime. Others can point us in directions, yet you must remain sovereign in your own inner authority to your soul.

I went back to Berlin for 1 reason—to share, activate, anchor, embody and ignite the sacred feminine once again. This work that I have been summoned to do this past year, has been infused with nothing less then Divine Grace. I did not choose this work, it chose me. It called to me. It beckoned me to remember. Because it has been so strongly a “transpersonal” calling (beyond the personal self), it has nourished me and ignited within me so much passion, dedication, commitment, discipline, focus, courage, ease and grace. There is something magical that happens when our actions our aligned with the greater intelligence and wisdom of the universe. When we are serving the greater calls of evolution, evolution supports us 100%. This I know as truth.

A holy man in Kauai once said to me, “The greatest gift is to have more of God to work through you. Real work is allowing God to manifest love through you. If that’s not happening, then its not real work. Get to work—that means to go back to God.”

Gratefully, I ended up having a really extraordinary year in 2016. The initiation was the ignition. I travelled from the USA to Canada, Iceland, Germany, Holland, Denmark, England, Switzerland, Austria, Italy, France, Monaco, Greece, and Israel. I did over 30+ workshops, sacred women circle’s and retreats with over 213+ incredible women and sisters from around the world. I attended a one-month summer Yogini retreat with the Awakening Women Institute in Corfu, Greece. I went on a sacred pilgrimage to the South of France connected to Mary Magdalene and also travelled to Israel in a deep remembrance and connection to the Christ Light.

In essence, what I've learned is that when you have the courage to follow your heart and soul, being led by a higher impetus that serves evolution, humanity and all of life, you will be supported. You will THRIVE. You will overflow in all ways and your life will be a living breathing testament of what is possible. Being in service to God/Life/Goddess/All That Is is the nectar of a life infused with grace...not my will, but thy will be done.

And I also realized the Universe has a funny sense of humor. At the end of 2016 I was invited by a dear soul sister to come back to Hawaii and spend time together. As I was waiting on my last layover in LA for my flight to Kauai, I had the premonition of meeting someone at the LA airport who I had known in Hawaii. A few minutes later, I got up to go to the bathroom before boarding the plane and guess who was standing right in front of me a few meters away? Out of all the people on the Earth, it was like one of those scenes of being in a movie….the spiritual teacher who I had spent time with earlier in the year in Hawaii was standing right in front of me. I couldn’t believe my eyes, that Life would have us meet once more like this, by being on the same flight to Kauai at the end of 2016. What are the chances?

When I saw her, I felt love in my heart and compassion…and I gave her a hug. It amazed me that in that moment of seeing her, I didn’t feel any hurt, resentment, or pain anymore. I just felt this strong presence of love within myself that wanted to extend itself to her. There was no thinking of the past; there was actually no thoughts. Just presence in the moment, and the emanation of love within that wanted to also love myself in her. Since we are all reflections of each other, all One Being. I think this was the real test—whether I could come to forgive someone who my mind could perceive as being an “enemy”. I was given a last test by Life, in this situation to reveal to myself how far I have come this year in turns of spiritual transmutation, integration, transformation and awakening the feminine Christ light within. The feminine Christ light is the awakened heart that sees only love, and loves as only love because that is what She Is. In the absence of any mental storey, and knowing only love at the core of my being, I was given the greatest gift—that of resolution, peace and completion.

We didn’t sit next to each other on the plane, but meeting her on this day at the airport did provide another last nudge from the Universe—to write, speak and share my story. And now I did. For those who are meant to read this, I hope you received whatever it was you were meant to take from this piece of writing. It’s taken me exactly a year to write about this initiation and I do feel vulnerable sharing such a personal experience. Yet, I also know that are lives are not meant just for ourselves, when all of our lessons, challenges and initiations are seeds of illumination for all of us on the path of life, to learn from each other and kindle the light of remembrance within.

And if you dear reader, ever find yourself in a situation akin to mine, please remember that the death of darkness is truly the eternal light. And Life itself has a very deep wisdom and intelligence that guides us through the passages we are meant to go through, for the greatest evolution of our soul..one initiation after another. Sometimes, with fierce grace.

Spiritual discernment really is "crowning wisdom" on the spiritual path, along with self authority.

Nicole Hemmer